Ask Rach #2: How I Manage My Mental Illness

Question: How do you deal with your mental illness?

Before I start, I would like to remind you guys that I am very passionate about this topic. I believe SO many people struggle daily with this and never say a word. Or, they do talk about it, but they don't know the authority that they have through Jesus to walk in victory. I have other blog posts about this so go check them out. 

So, a big part of my testimony is that I had an anxiety attack my junior year of high school (I didn’t know it was anxiety) and I had felt in that moment for the first time that I should end my life. I was home alone and it was one of the most terrifying 15 minutes of my life. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t stop crying, I was filled with fear because I didn’t know what the heck was happening! 

About 2 years later, I had a mini anxiety attack when I was trying to figure out school stuff. School is usually a trigger for me if I let things build without processing them properly and efficiently. 

And now? Well, sometimes anxiety comes up. And here’s where the blog post begins: How I manage my mental illness. 

As I have grown in my relationship with the Lord, I have come to have a deeper understanding of God’s power. Well, you might ask me, “Rachael, if God had all this power, then why am I still suffering?” 

SO HE CAN GET THE GLORY!

SO HIS POWER CAN BE REVEALED THROUGH YOUR WEAKNESS!

SO HIS NAME CAN BE LIFTED HIGH!

SO WE CAN ACKNOWLEDGE HOW MUCH WE NEED A SAVIOR!

Friend, we live in a fallen world. We live on earth, not heaven. Things AREN’T going to be perfect or easy. 1 Peter 4:12-13 speaks this perfectly, “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.” 

So on a more tangible note on how I combat the anxiety that comes at me: I hide myself in Jesus. I, though it is hard, and am balling my eyes out, curled up in a ball, say to the Lord, “you are good and you are in charge.” 

I remember vividly one friday late afternoon. My friends cancelled on me and in that moment, I felt so alone. Like never before. Here was my thought process when I was laying in bed after being cancelled on:

I am alone.

Nobody loves me.

I have no friends. 

I am not worthy of friendship. 

I am a screw up. 

I am not worthy of God’s love. 

I have nothing to contribute. 

Nobody wants me to contribute anyways. 

I am useless. 

I am alone. 

See how this goes? It’s a snowball effect that is toxic and a lie. Just because I FELT like I was alone, didn’t mean that I was. Just because I FELT like nobody loved me, didn’t mean that nobody loved me. Your feelings do not equate to the truth. Your feelings do not equate to what God thinks about you. 

What’s interesting to note is that during this time, I was numb. I didn’t cry, I didn’t move, I didn’t do anything. I just sat in my thoughts. My swirling thoughts. 

A few months later, I felt myself having another anxiety attack. I felt myself shutting down and in crippling pain. You know what I did? I faced it head on. I was in my car and I chose to BLAST worship music. I chose to SCREAM the truth that God IS more powerful. That God IS the prince of peace. That God IS my defender. That God IS the one who protects. That God IS the one who is in control, not me or my circumstances.

Crying harder than I ever could saying, “God. I am hurt. God I feel worthless. God I feel alone. God I feel horrible. But I know you are a present help in trouble. God, I know you are my strength and my refuge. God, I know you have defeated the world and I take refuge in your right hand. God, I know you have come through with peace before and I know you are going to do it again.”

So you might be confused on what the heck I mean. But that's where I want you to be. I want you to search for God in your anxiety. I want you to search for God in your mess. Because He is right in the center. He is the one who is holding your hand, even though you may not feel like you have any support. Jeremiah 29:13, Matthew 7:7, Psalm 34:4.

There’s a reason that Casting Crowns sing,

 “And I'll praise you in this storm

And I will lift my hands

That you are who you are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm.” 

Because this is true. This is who our Father in heaven is. Be blessed, my friend.